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Jew
Jews are a conpiracy. Heil Obamacare. job. They usually become corrupt honest bankers, blood diamond dealers, pick pockets or comedians.]] Jews share a common tradition with Christians in that they follow the Old Testament. Since the Bible is the complete Word of God and is composed of the Old and New Testament this means Jews are half right. Unfortunately, as close as Jews are to salvation, close only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades. Jews are therefore going to hell along with heretics, otherwise known as Protestants, Gays, liberals, terrorists and anyone else who doesn't follow the teachings of the The One Holy Universal and Apostolic Church of Rome. Only God has the right to condemn. Go buy a bible and actually READ it. Jews: Religion Or Race Or Both? Jew is not a religion or race, but something that is both and neither at the same time. Some archeological and linguistic evidence points to the Semitic language family, of which the Hebrew language is a member, originating approximately 10,000 years ago in modern-day Bulgaria or West Palm Beach, Florida. Ancient Hebrew texts contain several references to the "early bird special." All The Meshugenah You Ever Wanted To Know About Hebrew Before You Plotz See main article: Hebrew Kosherness See main article: Kosherness Many Jews follow weird eating laws. They don't eat milk with meat, or eat any pork, or any shellfish. Which means they can't have a bacon cheeseburger, which makes you almost feel sorry they've gotta go to hell, cause a life without a bacon cheeseburger is hell on earth. The Jews call this keeping Kosher, a word they picked up on their long sojourn in the land of Hollywood from the Film People, also known as the Sodomites. It originaly meant, "making us enough money" in the language of the Sodomites which was spoken in Hollywood at the time. As in, "This contract ain't Kosher." The Jews therefore eat alot of weird stuff that always seems to be served on rye bread with a pickle. For some reason, probably because they feel guilty for being Jews, they punish themselves by eating cold soup, brisket that isn't even barbecued and a mush made out of chicken livers that they serve on pieces of dry wall called matzoh. Also, something called schmaltz is involved. As schmaltz is the Jew word for penis, its better not to ask. Sects of Judaism There are four sects of Judaism (also known as Goat-Paths to Nowhere): :Orthodoxy: This is the most orthodox sect. These are the dudes in the suits, kippot, tallitot, hats, and little curly hairs on the sides. They hate equality and progressive thinking. They do whatever the Torah tells them. Other Jews think these Jews are uptight momzers and insane in the membrane. :Conservativism: The majority of Jews. It's those who want to sound religious but aren't really. Basically, their services are shorter but they still hate each other. :Reconstructionism: A little less religious than Conservatives, a lot less into prayer and more into social action, egalitarianism, liberal thinking, and more modern, cultural, and spiritual than any other sect. Thusly, there's almost none of them. :Reform: Liberal pinko Jews who don't care about God, but want Bar Mitzvah parties anyway. Jew Tribes Ancient Tribes Modern Tribes Lost Tribes The Origin & History of the Jews Pre-Biblical Times There wasn't even a word. God was hanging around by himself thinking about everything he was about to create without any words. Then there was a word, that's where Biblical times start. I mean John says "In the beginning was the word." Of course he says that somewhere near the end of the actual Bible, but you get the idea. No times before the Bible or you burn in hell. Got it? Biblical Times Starting in 4405bc on October 9th at 8:14 am, the Jews became God's chosen people when God created Adam, who was a Jew. Of course Adam screwed everything up when he listened to Eve and ate the apple. Thus man got kicked out of the Garden of Eden. For the next fourty-four hundred and five years Jews remained God's chosen people even though they pissed him off bad. He kept punishing them by flooding them and handing them over to one Empire or another. Finally he got sick of trying to punish the Jews and sent Jesus to save them. But they didn't listen. Christ Killing Not only didn't the Jews listen to Jesus, they hired a bunch of Italian leg-breakers to nail him up to a cross. This was all part of God's Ineffable Plan. Now just because "Ineffable" is a big word we don't understand doesn't mean we can't try to figure out the plan. See, the Jews killed Jesus because God wanted to change his chosen people to America. But he kept them around because you keep your friends close and your enemies closer. See the Good Lord knows everything so He knew we need the Jews so that they're messiah can be our Anti-Christ so that when the Second Coming happens he can finally punish the murderers. Then The Loving and Merciful Creator of All Life™ can enjoy the dish best served cold. He gets to go a smiting just like in the Left Behind books and he gets to indulge in a little torture porn (like Passion of The Christ for instance). And then there's the lake of searing excrement; only people as good as Dr. Stephen Colbert, DFA get to sees the Jews tossed in there. If your lucky enough to get a seat ringside, make sure to cover your nose. The Smackdown and Kabbalah The Great Kabala Konspiracy began shortly after the Jews had Jesus whacked. There were a few guys who actually were impressed by the game the One and Only True Christ was running even if they didn't like the dude all that well. Mostly jealousy what with Jesus being the first, like superstar and all. A few of the Jewish capos got nervous about rumors that the Romans had actually put Jesus and Mary on a boat for southern France and she had a baby. They gathered for a secret meeting in a small village east of Tel Aviv. In Bnai Brak they plotted to get rid of their Italian henchmen now that they figured the were double-crossed. Which was true. Simon bar Kokhba was assigned the job but he sort of screwed it up. The Romans knew the Ineffable Plan called for Jesus to actually go to France and start a family of kings and queens that would work with the last Pope of the One and Only Universal Church of America the Planet in the End of Days to reveal the Anti-Jesus and his plot to further spread Starbuck's around the world and eliminate Dunkin' Donuts and Sanka - the Devil's Brew. The Jews started a riot which ended up leaving the whole place looking like Watts after the Rodney king case. The Romans weren't none too happy about all the economic stimulus shekels that would be required to get Israel back to some kind of civil order after the riots. At first the Jews thought their Eye-talians had skedaddled back to the hills of Rome. But the Italians just went to get some more goons and with the help of the True Israeli Christians put the grandchildren of those Jews who killed Jesus back in their place once and for all. The Romans decided that whenever Jews get together for the Passover Festival they just couldn't handle all the Manishewitz and things would get out of hand. That's how they ended up trying to kill Jesus in the first place which started all this new mess. So they made a Roman law that the Jews couldn't even go to Jerusalem after that. The Romans punished them by refusing to allow them back to the city's delis. No more pastrami or overstuffed salami sandwiches and cold soup for the Jesus killers' kids Kokhba was no star except maybe like one of those little flashes falling through the planet's atmosphere that gets all burnt up as it falls to earth and leaves nothing behind except maybe a little nugget of indistinguishable rock but mostly nothing most of the time. Thats how hard Kokhba fell. He was no superstar like Jesus and never packed arenas like Jesus' fans. After that the Jews decided to put some of their most secret knowledge down in writing. Because the old guys in Jerusalem were kind of stuck there and no Jew who already didn't live there could get back to the city. Those old guys knew everything so now the rebellious Jews stuck outside Jerusalem needed somehow to figure out how to pass what they remembered about the secret knowledge to other Jews as they plotted to take over entertainment and publishing and international banking. Eventually a guy called Schlomo who lived in Spain put all the Jews secrets in a book and called it Kabbalah. The only thing their secret knowledge about everything didn't include was the understanding of the Ineffable Plan. They had no idea a new Queen of the Universe would come and embrace the ancient Jewish secret knowledge book and take it to Hollywood Babylon and teach all the Sodomites about Kabbalah. Her name would be Madonna and the baby boy on her lap named Jesus Luz would be the new light of the world. And she would adopt starving poor African babies and take them from the heathen animist of that dark continent and teach them ways of Hollywood and Kabbalah and create a New Order that would usher in the Age of Baby Satan and the Anti-Jesus. The Kabbalah is a book for the age of the end of the world because it is a blasephemous book and like Kokhba no superstar title. Kabbalah is no Harry Potter and it would lead many astray to follow a false path away from the One and Only True Word from God that was there in the beginning with which all things that are were brought into being and nothing that is not was not. Selah! And thats how the conspiracy of the Kabbalah got started. Awaiting Eschaton in Suffering 22:09, February 19, 2010 (UTC) The Spanish Inquisition In 2006 the Christians, led by Ann Coulter, decreed all Jews must be perfected to Christianity or be banished. Many Jews left. Many other Jews, however, had already put money down for time-share condos and had no choice but to convert or lose their deposit. These Jews converted, only to be hunted down and accused of heresy for being Jews. This prompted most Jews to protest the inquisition, saying, "Isn't that a bit of a catch-22?" The Grand Inquisitor had a very sophisticated method of interrogation. Observe: INQUISITOR: Are you a Jew? JEW: No. INQUISITOR: Are you sure you're not a Jew? JEW: Yes. INQUISITOR: Oh, well sorry to bother you. Would you fancy staying for cake? JEW: Is it chocolate? I'm allergic to chocolate. INQUISITOR: It's a mind-blowing lemon pound cake. JEW: Hmm, maybe just a nosh... INQUISITOR smiles a sinister smile. JEW: Damn. Era #2 change this section title to an appropriate period in history for the Jews or delete it if it is not needed Era #3 Era #4 change this section title to an appropriate period in history for the Jews, delete it or add another as needed Modern Jews The Modern Jews have "protection" from politaces because they have so called "money." Which makes the terrorist people upset because they have the total opiates and thats why they want to kill jews! Thats why they are doing this crazy stuff that no one understands. http://web.archive.org/web/20110203072959/http://www.jeffdunhamtickets.com/img/artist/jeffdunham.jpg Future Jews The owners of all the Middle East after killing all the Muslims to take their land, since it's their Holy Land and like they did thousands of years ago they're bound to do again thanks to their western allies support(We'll tell them "don't do it" but won't really mind when they do) Jewish Beliefs Why Jews Don't Have A Pope Jews do not have a pope due to Radioactive Communist zombie Bee Bears(and horny homosexuals) that are catholic and crucified the jewish pope, ever since then, jews do not have a pope because they are afraid of being crucified by Radioactive Communist zombie Bee Bears and horny homosexuals(that love sodomy AKA up the bum). Creation Flood Myth Deities Afterlife Important Jewish Rituals Bris (for 8-Day-Old Boy): Have the foreskin of the peepee get chopchop. Bar (boy)/Bat (girl) Mitzvah (13-year-olds): Read from the Bora-Bora, (their holy book, like the New Testament for Christians, or the Koran is for terrorists, or sci-fi novels by L. Ron Hubbard for Tom Cruise) for the first time, then have a party. Shabbat (every Friday night through Saturday): Sabbath, day of rest, light candles, eat bread, drink wine, etc. Religious Jews don't drive, use electricity, or actually do anything else but eat. The High Holy Days (September): Rosh Hashish and Smoked Kippers, the Jewish New Year and day of repentance. Passover (Spring): Celebrates Moses' illegal strike from Pyramid building, the damned commie. Still, the 10 Commandments look good in the lobbies of Federal Courthouses. *The dates aren't always the same because Jews use a lunar calendar, rather than a real calendar like everyone else. This might be because all Jews are Werewolves. No one knows for sure. They also like to eat Christian babies at passover which they dunk into chocolate milk and then consume. Most Jews prefer white babies but some eat black ones too because of the strong flavour. The Jew God also known as Godzilla said that each Jew needs to eat 3 christian babies a year and that's the reason why nobody likes Jews. Important Jewish Holidays Jews Gone Wild! Israel Edition If you like Jews then this is for you. From the creators of "Barbarians Gone Wild" they are now introducing "Jews Gone Wild" for your personal entertainment. Things Controlled by Jews Some people get a little pissed when you say this, but Jews run stuff. Some stuff is bad, like the New York Times and Hollywood, some is good, like the Neo-Con Movement and the State of Israel. Jews are funny that way. They hedge their bets. But that doesn't mean Bill Krystal or Dennis Prager can't kick Al Gore's and Al Franken's asses back to France. Cause for all the liberal Jews the good guys got some too. This does not mean that the Jews are good. It just means that some Jews are tremendously useful. The Israelis, for example, really help us out by killing lots of Hamas, Hezbollah terrorists and lots of other muslims. But they also dominate the international diamond trade. Which means you gotta talk to a Jew if you wanna get married which sucks pretty bad, but what are you gonna do. Some people think Jews run the banks. Everyone knows the Jews used to run the banks so that they could control the world economy. But commie liberals under Chairman Hussein Obama took over the banks so that they could run the world economy into the ground. We're not sure if Hussein Obama or any of his commie liberals are closet Jews, but it doesn't hurt to assume so. So the Jews must run the banks. Everyone also knows that liberal Jews run Hollywood. This is an inconvenient truth that ends up forcing us to sit through movies like An Inconvenient Truth and Happy Feet. If we could just replace the Hollywood Jews with the Neo-Con Jews we might get some good movies. But Hollywood without Jews; impossible. They'd never give it up. Fun Fact: Jews invented the A-bomb, and the H-bomb and the Nucular Bomb. Which means Jews are The Bomb. Things (Formerly) Controlled by Jews Part Two- Money The Jews really like money. They don't like money the way good Christians like money, we just use money to buy stuff and impress our neighbors and pay for trips to Bangkok for, uh, vacation. Jews like to have lots of money that they never spend. This has something to do with an international plot to take over the world. It also has to do with the fact that they're cheap. Don't let a Jew jew you. Contrary to popular belief by conspiracy theorists, the Jews do not control all the world's money. They did until the second term of president George W. Bush, when a freak budget accident, probably caused by Ann Coulter, turned the control of all the world's money to the Chinese (people). What Jews Do Oddly, Jews don't all sound like Jackie Mason. Only Jews over 45 sound like Jackie Mason. Everyone else talks normal, although more nasal, like they're hawking phlegm. This might have to do with learning to talk Hebrew. They like to eat Chinese and watch movies while ignoring the Birthday of our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Also they read books. All the time. And books that aren't in American. Not even in Spanish, which is bad enough. They read books written in a 6004 year old (next October) dead language. What kind of a waste of time is that? Fun Fact: The Jews wear little hats known as harmonicas. Famous Jews Notable Jews include: *Hollywood *Larry Silverstein *Barbra Streisand *Sammy Davis, Jr. *Wolf Blitzer *Howard Stern (half Jew) *Your accountant *All jewelers *John Stewart *Ron Silver *Natalie Portman *John Stewart *Whoopi Goldberg *Paul Krugman * John Stewart again * Rabbi Daniel Lapin For Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, 2006 Stephen Colbert offered Jews the opportunity to apologize to him by phone, and even went so far as to buy a special Kosher phone number, 1-888-OOPS-JEW, for Jews to do this. Stephen is still waiting, for these Jews to call Stephen is Christian and will accept apologies all year long. * Senator George Allen * Senator Joe Lieberman * Dick Cohen of The Washington Post See Also *New York Intellectuals References External Tubes * Official Jew Tube * "Holocaust" are for joos only, non-joos go away! * poor joo woman finds way to make money! Live on the "Streets", is cheaper that way! Even poor homeless joos can make money! Does their greed has no bounds? *The Joo will steal your organs! *Joos to start own facebook *Real Joo wins case against fake jew *Activist Joos are now joining Hitler Youth! *Joos to evict whores and hippies from their streets *England to solve their joowish problem. Court to determine who is not joowish enough *Jews Cant Write Fantasy, you Need Jesus for That! *ADL to stop mooslim terrorists *Jooology Jewology 101 *ADL joins forces to stop mooslim threat *Kenya West to sue Joos *Real Americans arrested for trying to keep America safe *Joos use magic box to erase Hillary Clinton on grounds of sexual deviance *Science proves that Joos and Germans cant get along *how Joos spread revolutions and created the hippie-anarcho feminazi movement. *Jews for Nazis